you have to be able to grieve what you thought would be or isn’t in order to accept and embrace what is

Last night before I went to bed I check my face book and saw that my friend Troy casey ( the certified heath nut ) had posted a picture he had drawn on my page . The picture was of a broken heart it was his art therapy that he did that day for healing . It must have made a lasting impression and got deep into my subconscious as I had dreams all night that I was painting my heart . I painted this huge red heart with beams of yellow light eminating from it. Inside the heart were 2 eyes , the left one was shut and the right one was a big open blue eye with a HUGE tear coming out of it . Inside the tear was me as mother holding a baby. Attached is the picture I drew from my dream .

Earlier in the day I was on the phone with my mom and she told me something so sweet that my step father said to her ; He said -” It’s too bad Lori didn’t have kids , she would have been a great mother “. There was a sharp pain in my heart and the tears didn’t stop for hours . I cried about the realization that I might not ever have a family of my own , that I would have been an awesome mother , that I LOVE children ( I help bring babies into this world and nothing gives me more joy then that )  and that I might not everImage have this experience . This is something that  has been weighing heavy on my heart and have been grieving on and off for the past year and trying to come to terms with . Sometimes I am fine with it and other times like yesterday I realized I need to do some more grieving on this . ( this blog , allowing the tears to flow and my drawing is part of my healing )

You can’t accept  what is in the present unless you allow your self to grieve what you thought would be or isn’t . Hey ,my original  plan was to be happily married  and madly in love with 3  fabulous kids by the time I was 35.  Lets face it feeling sad and grieving a loss even if it was a dream or something that you wanted badly  that didn’t happen hurts. There is no time line for how long the grieving process is ; but if you don’t allow yourself to go through it you won’t be able to embrace what is .

A few years back I was working with a client that was trying to get pregnant , she went through early menopause and needed an egg donor , after 3 years of trying to get pregnant with IVF she couldn’t do it anymore and opted for a surrogate . We spent our weekly sessions grieving what wasn’t , How she felt bad bout herself and how she felt her body let her down , the dreams of her child having her genetics , that she couldn’t carry the child and at the same time we worked on embracing and accepting what was . By the time that baby was born she was able to fully embrace and love him beyond words.

I teach a weekly healing class at up dog yoga in West hollywood Ca on Wednesday nights . My big thing is to clear and move the energy that is locking you up. I then take you deep within and help you get to the root of whats eating you up inside or bothering you .It isn’t comfortable to face your crap but if you don’t you will never be able to move beyond it and move on . This weeks theme  I was planning to teach is the heart chakra , how appropriate for me to be dealing with and clearing the sadness and heaviness in my heart 🙂

I am 46 now, who knows what the future holds for me . I might have a baby of my own ( God knows stranger things have happened ), I might meet someone who has kids that I would GLADLY embrace and love , I might need an egg donor , adopt or not have a child at all . All I know is that I have to FEEL this , grieve it and let it go so that I can be open to whatever comes in next .

You know there is something eating at you when you feel , sad ,angry or scared . thats usually the time we do things to avoid feeling and choice to numb out . I invite you to just be , sit with it and feel and explore what it is , journal about it , draw or paint the fear or sadness , allow yourself to have the feeling , talk it out with a trusted friend or , life coach or therapist.  I promise when you do it will pass a lot faster , you will be able to embrace what is and what will be sooner then if you don’t let yourself go through the grieving process .

Always remember time heals all wounds and this too shall pass  xo Lori B


2 Responses to “you have to be able to grieve what you thought would be or isn’t in order to accept and embrace what is”

  1. 1 Jessica Lake November 20, 2012 at 7:05 am

    Beautifully and thoughtfully written. May you make peace with the desires of your heart while you magnetize them to you all at the same time.

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Rooted For Life

November 2012
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